This was equal parts hilarious and incisive. I loved how you captured the absurdity of modern dating—the way we can know someone’s attachment style, childhood wounds, and taco preferences while still having no idea how they occupy a room. The line, “We confuse access with effort,” feels especially profound because it exposes how easily digital familiarity masquerades as genuine intimacy. Beneath the wit is a deeply human longing for something tangible: not another perfectly crafted text, but shared moments that can withstand the silence between notifications. Sharp, relatable, and surprisingly tender, this essay reminds us that chemistry isn’t built through typing bubbles—it’s built in real life.
Thank you so much! 😂 “Attachment style, childhood wounds, and taco preferences” deserves to be embroidered on a pillow. Somewhere we started confusing information with intimacy, and modern dating became wonderfully absurd. I’m so happy the humor and the heart both came through. ❤️
Honestly, I’d buy that pillow. 😂 What I loved most was how you balanced wit with insight. It’s easy to mistake constant access for genuine closeness, and this piece captured that contradiction perfectly. Funny, self-aware, and unexpectedly wise.
Lololol I loved reading this. I’ve actually never been a fan of texting, it feels too impersonal to me. Honestly, dating in these moments feels so strange. I was talking with a male friend the other day and he told me that exchanging phone numbers is a very big thing and usually he starts with Instagram. Less serious lol I’d prefer to meet up and see if I actually like someone before going into my attachment style but dating has certainly changed in the past decade.
The fact that exchanging phone numbers is apparently a bigger commitment than discussing attachment styles with a stranger is one of the funniest and strangest developments in modern dating. 😂 I agree with you completely. I’d much rather find out if we enjoy each other’s company before we begin unpacking our childhoods. ❤️
Wow. You write SO good! And texting is indeed, in some way, a false front. Every reply is thought-out (well, most replies) to frame you as the perfect person. But in real life, there are the weird statements, awkward pauses, long rants, and just two people being people. Texting could never.
It’s choice paralysis. Too many interesting options to choose from on their end and they get too distracted is what I thought when I used online dating almost 10 years ago, before meeting my husband.
So totally agree on this.
I remember speaking to a few people for what it felt like ages and there was this strange fake familiarity that we somehow had to live up to when we met and it was just .. wrong. So I reckon just keep it short and sweet and say things like ‘I like to do things ‘old school’ and see if we can connect as friends’ - what I used to say. Always friendship first. If there’s chemistry and you can build friendship with common goals then bingo.
Also, going to underground electronic music parties works. It’s how I met my man and it’s one of our main common passions to this day. So maybe food/music/car festivals, conferences, lectures - any other interest to share with someone is always a great entry point. I also imagined a clear idea of the type of guy I wanted to marry and somehow, Universe listened. Like I was expecting him to find me every time I went out through the door. And he did. 💫
I love this, especially your phrase "fake familiarity." ❤️ I think that's exactly what I was trying to describe. We can spend weeks building intimacy through words and then discover that real-life chemistry and compatibility are entirely different things.
And I completely agree about shared interests. Whether it's music, food, conferences, or hobbies, there is something refreshing about getting to know someone while actually living life together instead of performing connection through a screen.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I suspect many married people can look back and recognize that friendship and shared experiences mattered far more than perfectly crafted text messages. ✨
I mean, it's not really only about age. Like 10 years ago, I was in a relationship with a woman, the first time we just randomly met in a group at university, we exchanged contacts and texted each other for many hours each week within 2 months before meeting the second time. As I like writing more than talking and was kinda shy back then, it was really good getting to know each other better that way. And although we didn't really become a couple (although I was in love with her and she also had really strong feelings for me), we still understand each other very well, because we shared our life and feelings so intimately back then, and if we were to become a couple anyway at some point, I believe it would be easier, because we already know all of that about each other.
Thank you for sharing this perspective. ❤️ I don't think texting is inherently bad, and I love hearing stories like yours. Sometimes words on a screen can create genuine intimacy, especially for thoughtful people who express themselves better through writing.
I think the danger comes when we mistake access for effort or use endless texting to avoid actually building a life together in the real world.
What you described sounds less like performative texting and more like two people sharing themselves honestly. There's something beautiful about that. ✨
I'm good at conversations in person so I try to stick with planning via text but that seems to be a drawback because of the expectation of the other side is usually much higher than mine is to keep a dialogue going else the frequency of notifications feel far in between. I sound distinct and disconnected so I have been working on fixing this. In my experience this leads to a low number of in-person dates. It's interesting to see the other side perspective so thank you for sharing these thoughts. Single, never married, 42
Thank you for sharing this perspective. ❤️ I actually don't think there's anything wrong with being someone who shines more in person than over text.
One of the reasons I wrote this piece was because I suspect there are many thoughtful people who are being judged by their texting style rather than by who they are face-to-face. We all have different communication preferences.
I also appreciate your willingness to consider the other side. I think the challenge is finding someone whose expectations align with your own. The right person won't need you to become a 24/7 texter if what you really have to offer is your presence, curiosity, and conversation in real life.
Thank you for adding your experience to the discussion. ❤️
I remember when I was dating, texting used to make me so so anxious. I would basically spend my days hovering around my phone just awaiting for a response - it was borderline painful.
Oh Becca, I remember that feeling too. ❤️ Waiting for texts felt oddly all-consuming, and in hindsight, I confused anxiety with connection more than once.
I'm happy to report that peace is much more romantic. 🤗
i spent a long time in exactly this kind of connection. real proximity was complicated (it’s a long story). i didn’t have my first actual relationship until i was 39. and yes — completely different universe.
“we confuse access with effort.” i’ve been on both sides of that sentence. thanks for sharing this!
Thank you for sharing that. ❤️ I love what you said about confusing access with effort. I’ve been on both sides of that sentence too, and you’re right—real relationships are a completely different universe. I’m so glad this resonated with you.
I am almost back to using a flip phone again, been slowly cutting away the fat around that aspect of my life and part of the reason is that it builds more intimacy with those who matter.
This was such a beautifully crafted piece. Your prose has a way of making complex ideas feel deeply resonant and easy to digest. Thank you for sharing this!
I think people forget what the purpose of texting is to begin with. Yeah, eventually you have to do the Meg Ryan-Tom Hanks thing and put your phone away and meet. Otherwise, you may as well be texting ChatGPT.
as a member of Gen Z, reading a piece on texting and how it's not exactly the same as dating, written by someone who's older and much more experienced than me was very interesting. it definitely changed my perspective, to some extent.
honestly, i think texting (well, only texting) is just a way to make the talking stage longer, which is very similar to repeating something in different ways to make an essay longer, if you know what i mean.
I love this analogy. 😂 Endless texting really is the relationship equivalent of trying to hit a word count without adding anything new. Thank you for reading, and I’m glad the perspective resonated with you. ❤️
This might be reaching.. maybe.. but a lot of people's birth charts will tell them where they will meet their partners (most likely) and a lot of them do say in face to face meetings: at a concert (entertainment), educational (college or a trip with that purpose), a wedding, work environment, gym, etc 🤔 I understand there are perks to connection with tech, but balance is key.. and not losing yourself.
This is so true. Often, the text exchange is a statement of interest, as the two parties ‘graduate’ from chatting in a dating app to exchanging numbers. But if that chat goes on for days and weeks, it narrows the in-person possibilities. Unless it’s a legit long-distance relationship with a viable in-person end goal or a BRIEF local courtship before meeting up, the high-interest chat will wither on the vine.
This was equal parts hilarious and incisive. I loved how you captured the absurdity of modern dating—the way we can know someone’s attachment style, childhood wounds, and taco preferences while still having no idea how they occupy a room. The line, “We confuse access with effort,” feels especially profound because it exposes how easily digital familiarity masquerades as genuine intimacy. Beneath the wit is a deeply human longing for something tangible: not another perfectly crafted text, but shared moments that can withstand the silence between notifications. Sharp, relatable, and surprisingly tender, this essay reminds us that chemistry isn’t built through typing bubbles—it’s built in real life.
Thank you so much! 😂 “Attachment style, childhood wounds, and taco preferences” deserves to be embroidered on a pillow. Somewhere we started confusing information with intimacy, and modern dating became wonderfully absurd. I’m so happy the humor and the heart both came through. ❤️
Honestly, I’d buy that pillow. 😂 What I loved most was how you balanced wit with insight. It’s easy to mistake constant access for genuine closeness, and this piece captured that contradiction perfectly. Funny, self-aware, and unexpectedly wise.
When Substack allows us to sell merch, I will make the embroidered pillow available for sale. Haha.
Lololol I loved reading this. I’ve actually never been a fan of texting, it feels too impersonal to me. Honestly, dating in these moments feels so strange. I was talking with a male friend the other day and he told me that exchanging phone numbers is a very big thing and usually he starts with Instagram. Less serious lol I’d prefer to meet up and see if I actually like someone before going into my attachment style but dating has certainly changed in the past decade.
The fact that exchanging phone numbers is apparently a bigger commitment than discussing attachment styles with a stranger is one of the funniest and strangest developments in modern dating. 😂 I agree with you completely. I’d much rather find out if we enjoy each other’s company before we begin unpacking our childhoods. ❤️
Such a great piece of writing. The damn phone ruining another primal thing…we play ‘IRL’ so safe behind our shiny devices..
Wow. You write SO good! And texting is indeed, in some way, a false front. Every reply is thought-out (well, most replies) to frame you as the perfect person. But in real life, there are the weird statements, awkward pauses, long rants, and just two people being people. Texting could never.
Thank you so much. ❤️ I love your line about “just two people being people.”
In real life, there are awkward pauses, random stories, and imperfect conversations—and somehow that’s where the magic lives. Texting could never.
It’s choice paralysis. Too many interesting options to choose from on their end and they get too distracted is what I thought when I used online dating almost 10 years ago, before meeting my husband.
So totally agree on this.
I remember speaking to a few people for what it felt like ages and there was this strange fake familiarity that we somehow had to live up to when we met and it was just .. wrong. So I reckon just keep it short and sweet and say things like ‘I like to do things ‘old school’ and see if we can connect as friends’ - what I used to say. Always friendship first. If there’s chemistry and you can build friendship with common goals then bingo.
Also, going to underground electronic music parties works. It’s how I met my man and it’s one of our main common passions to this day. So maybe food/music/car festivals, conferences, lectures - any other interest to share with someone is always a great entry point. I also imagined a clear idea of the type of guy I wanted to marry and somehow, Universe listened. Like I was expecting him to find me every time I went out through the door. And he did. 💫
I love this, especially your phrase "fake familiarity." ❤️ I think that's exactly what I was trying to describe. We can spend weeks building intimacy through words and then discover that real-life chemistry and compatibility are entirely different things.
And I completely agree about shared interests. Whether it's music, food, conferences, or hobbies, there is something refreshing about getting to know someone while actually living life together instead of performing connection through a screen.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I suspect many married people can look back and recognize that friendship and shared experiences mattered far more than perfectly crafted text messages. ✨
I mean, it's not really only about age. Like 10 years ago, I was in a relationship with a woman, the first time we just randomly met in a group at university, we exchanged contacts and texted each other for many hours each week within 2 months before meeting the second time. As I like writing more than talking and was kinda shy back then, it was really good getting to know each other better that way. And although we didn't really become a couple (although I was in love with her and she also had really strong feelings for me), we still understand each other very well, because we shared our life and feelings so intimately back then, and if we were to become a couple anyway at some point, I believe it would be easier, because we already know all of that about each other.
Thank you for sharing this perspective. ❤️ I don't think texting is inherently bad, and I love hearing stories like yours. Sometimes words on a screen can create genuine intimacy, especially for thoughtful people who express themselves better through writing.
I think the danger comes when we mistake access for effort or use endless texting to avoid actually building a life together in the real world.
What you described sounds less like performative texting and more like two people sharing themselves honestly. There's something beautiful about that. ✨
I'm good at conversations in person so I try to stick with planning via text but that seems to be a drawback because of the expectation of the other side is usually much higher than mine is to keep a dialogue going else the frequency of notifications feel far in between. I sound distinct and disconnected so I have been working on fixing this. In my experience this leads to a low number of in-person dates. It's interesting to see the other side perspective so thank you for sharing these thoughts. Single, never married, 42
Thank you for sharing this perspective. ❤️ I actually don't think there's anything wrong with being someone who shines more in person than over text.
One of the reasons I wrote this piece was because I suspect there are many thoughtful people who are being judged by their texting style rather than by who they are face-to-face. We all have different communication preferences.
I also appreciate your willingness to consider the other side. I think the challenge is finding someone whose expectations align with your own. The right person won't need you to become a 24/7 texter if what you really have to offer is your presence, curiosity, and conversation in real life.
Thank you for adding your experience to the discussion. ❤️
I remember when I was dating, texting used to make me so so anxious. I would basically spend my days hovering around my phone just awaiting for a response - it was borderline painful.
Oh Becca, I remember that feeling too. ❤️ Waiting for texts felt oddly all-consuming, and in hindsight, I confused anxiety with connection more than once.
I'm happy to report that peace is much more romantic. 🤗
Yes! Absolutely - confusing anxiousness and connection is the best way to put it! Peace is so so so worth it.
i spent a long time in exactly this kind of connection. real proximity was complicated (it’s a long story). i didn’t have my first actual relationship until i was 39. and yes — completely different universe.
“we confuse access with effort.” i’ve been on both sides of that sentence. thanks for sharing this!
Thank you for sharing that. ❤️ I love what you said about confusing access with effort. I’ve been on both sides of that sentence too, and you’re right—real relationships are a completely different universe. I’m so glad this resonated with you.
I am almost back to using a flip phone again, been slowly cutting away the fat around that aspect of my life and part of the reason is that it builds more intimacy with those who matter.
This was such a beautifully crafted piece. Your prose has a way of making complex ideas feel deeply resonant and easy to digest. Thank you for sharing this!
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and provide feedback. I appreciate you.
Everyone likes guacamole in real life. Even tacos are awful over text.
Loved. Shared. Gratitude.
Applause.
I think people forget what the purpose of texting is to begin with. Yeah, eventually you have to do the Meg Ryan-Tom Hanks thing and put your phone away and meet. Otherwise, you may as well be texting ChatGPT.
as a member of Gen Z, reading a piece on texting and how it's not exactly the same as dating, written by someone who's older and much more experienced than me was very interesting. it definitely changed my perspective, to some extent.
honestly, i think texting (well, only texting) is just a way to make the talking stage longer, which is very similar to repeating something in different ways to make an essay longer, if you know what i mean.
I love this analogy. 😂 Endless texting really is the relationship equivalent of trying to hit a word count without adding anything new. Thank you for reading, and I’m glad the perspective resonated with you. ❤️
you're very welcome, this analogy of yours is very cool too (❁´◡`❁)
This might be reaching.. maybe.. but a lot of people's birth charts will tell them where they will meet their partners (most likely) and a lot of them do say in face to face meetings: at a concert (entertainment), educational (college or a trip with that purpose), a wedding, work environment, gym, etc 🤔 I understand there are perks to connection with tech, but balance is key.. and not losing yourself.
Anyhoo.. loved this!
This is so true. Often, the text exchange is a statement of interest, as the two parties ‘graduate’ from chatting in a dating app to exchanging numbers. But if that chat goes on for days and weeks, it narrows the in-person possibilities. Unless it’s a legit long-distance relationship with a viable in-person end goal or a BRIEF local courtship before meeting up, the high-interest chat will wither on the vine.