I’m so glad this arrived at the right time. ❤️ Lord knows I’ve been guilty of turning dates into psychology case studies instead of just meeting another human being. Here’s to a little more curiosity and a lot less diagnosing. 😊
I think this is quite well written and also very revealing. You're quite right actually. When my wife died my first reaction was to get myself a new wife or new girlfriend at the very least anyway. My daughter's reaction was to go into therapy. She's still in therapy eighteen months later and frankly I don't think she's got out of it because I think the therapist wants a nice continued stream of income.
By the way I quite like astrology too and frankly I'm not sure that the scientific base for either counselling and therapy or astrology is much better but astrology is more fun.
Thank you, Rob. ❤️ One thing I’ve learned is that grief doesn’t follow a schedule and none of us gets handed a map. We all reach for different things in an attempt to make sense of loss. I hope both you and your daughter continue to find whatever brings you peace and healing. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I'm a Sagittarian. I don't need to make sense of loss. I just accept it as being inevitable, which it is. In fact 50% of people, of course, will lose their partners through divorce or separation. Of the remaining 50% another 50% will lose their partner through bereavement. Essentially you've got a pretty high chance of loss, haven't you?
One of the strange things is how little we're prepared for this. Many people just lack the psychological equipment to deal with this as a natural event. That's concerning, something about our modern society. You know most people have never seen a dead body? That's actually quite scary when you think about it because how can you cope with death unless you've come to terms with it face to face?
One of the lessons of life, I suppose, is early on, even in childhood, to have the experience of catching and killing a fish or a rabbit or a chicken and skinning or plucking it and learning how to gut it and cook it. Those skills are transferable and what's more the emotional response is also much significantly diminished. I think the more you deal with that the better you get at it.
Sometimes I think that using DSM-5 like-criteria to describe dates gone awry are likely defense mechanisms to protect our egos from being hurt and disappointed. No one wants to put their best foot forward with someone only to end up rebuffed and rejected.
There are no bad people in dating just bad fits for many reasons unspoken.
I love this perspective, Kevin. ❤️ I suspect you’re right that sometimes it’s easier to assign a diagnosis than to sit with the sting of disappointment or rejection. I’ve certainly been guilty of that myself. And I agree—most people aren’t villains. More often than not, we’re just imperfect humans looking for connection and discovering we’re not the right fit. Thank you for bringing your clinical perspective to the conversation.
This was brilliantly balanced—both a defense of therapy and a gentle critique of what happens when therapeutic language becomes a substitute for genuine curiosity. I especially loved the line, “The problem is that psychology was meant to explain people, not replace them.” It captures a tension that feels incredibly relevant today. The essay reminds us that wisdom isn’t found in perfectly labeling every behavior, but in holding space for human complexity. And the story about your son having “batteries” instead of boundaries was comedy gold—proof that even our children are becoming accidental armchair therapists. Thoughtful, funny, and refreshingly humane, this piece invites us to trade diagnosis for understanding and certainty for curiosity.
Thank you so much, Ahtesham. ❤️ Your observation about therapeutic language becoming a substitute for curiosity captures exactly what I was trying to wrestle with. I’m grateful that line resonated with you because I think psychology gives us valuable tools, but people are always bigger and more complicated than the labels we assign to them. And I’m delighted that my son’s concern about “batteries” made you laugh. 😊 Thank you for reading so closely and for adding such a thoughtful perspective to the conversation.
Thanks, Ed. I think many of us are guilty of trying to turn every mixed signal into a case study. Sometimes “it is what it is” turns out to be the healthiest answer. Not every disappointing date is an avoidant, and not every awkward text exchange requires a flowchart. 😂 Thanks for reading and for the thoughtful comment!
Thank you, Keri. EMDR was an important part of my healing journey, though I haven’t written about it yet. It’s one of those subjects I’m still sitting with and deciding how much I want to share publicly. I may write about it one day, and if I do, I’d be delighted to point you to it. ❤️
I completely understand and respect this decision of yours. I have chosen to exclude my ex-spouse and our marriage as a topic in this environment. But yes! If you ever do decide to convey that experience, I'll be here without judgement.
Thank you so much. I appreciate that. I'm still very much a work in progress and occasionally have to remind myself that not everyone who annoys me has a personality disorder. 😂❤️
Great piece. I’ve been so guilty of this myself. Finally starting to feel the shift of seeing the other persons’ humanity underneath whatever trauma, attachment style, or behavioral issue instead of warring against them.
I relate to this so much. Somewhere along the way I realized it's easier to fight diagnoses than it is to sit with another person's humanity. Boundaries and discernment still matter, but curiosity has brought me much more peace. And yes… God help us all indeed. 😂❤️
As a licensed therapist this is very hard for me not to do but also very necessary! Sometimes when we know too much we don’t meet people with the curiosity they probably deserve.
Beautifully said. I think sometimes knowing the language of psychology can make us forget the art of simply being curious. People are far more interesting than the labels we assign to them. ❤️
to the text piece: I make it a point to keep my phone somewhere else and not be looking at it all the time. My work requires my attention, and texting back and for is a distraction. It's not being avoidant, or dismissive, ignoring. It's that 99% of text messages don't require and instant response. But we've become so accustomed to instant gratification and dopamine hits, that if the person texting doesn't get their hit-you're a poor supplier, not a bad person.
So...from this comment, I take it you are a dismissive avoidant with communication issues stemming from childhood? Just kidding! I agree with you 100%. Sometimes, we don't text back or provide an instant response because we are just busy. I know, such a crazy explanation, right? 😂 And Happy Friday!
But you jokingly hit the point. It IS also an anxious avoidant trigger that only feeds the if a person is anxious, whether the person their texting—is or not, they soon get the label so the anxious person can “self protect” and be “right”. When in fact, it’s not the case at all. But instead of looking in the mirror, and recognizing THEY may have some work to do themselves, it becomes projection.
The thing is, if you keep finding yourself with the same kind of partner over and over. It’s not them. It’s you. It’s time to self examine and do the work healing that part of yourself. Otherwise, the teacher keeps coming back until you learn the lesson.
Texting and dating sites rely on this as a business model. Trauma triggers and dopamine. You’re paying a membership to a fixed game. If they actually connected people in a healthy way, where do the paid monthly members go?
You make a great point. Sometimes labels become explanations, and explanations become shields that keep us from looking in the mirror. It’s much easier to declare someone avoidant than it is to ask why we keep choosing the same people or becoming attached to the same dynamics. And yes, I suspect the apps are quite happy to profit from our collective overthinking. 😂 Thanks for adding such a thoughtful perspective!
My sentiments exactly..we are categorising our colleagues, our family members, our friends..as becasue we have read Gabor Matte once make us experts...and I assumed we are categorised by others too...may be we just don't know...or pretend not to..
Oh my gosh!!!! YES!!!!! I couldn't agree more with everything you said. So perfectly stated!
Thank you so much! ❤️ I think many of us are craving a little less certainty and a little more curiosity. I'm so glad this one resonated with you.
Taken a week break from Substack. I have clearly missed plenty... In my TBR list. Coming back later.. 🐥
Thank you in advance :-)
The timing of this article is perfect for my life rn
I’m so glad this arrived at the right time. ❤️ Lord knows I’ve been guilty of turning dates into psychology case studies instead of just meeting another human being. Here’s to a little more curiosity and a lot less diagnosing. 😊
I loveee psychoanalysis but I know when not to do it too, thank u for sharing this article!!
You’re very welcome! 😉
I think this is quite well written and also very revealing. You're quite right actually. When my wife died my first reaction was to get myself a new wife or new girlfriend at the very least anyway. My daughter's reaction was to go into therapy. She's still in therapy eighteen months later and frankly I don't think she's got out of it because I think the therapist wants a nice continued stream of income.
By the way I quite like astrology too and frankly I'm not sure that the scientific base for either counselling and therapy or astrology is much better but astrology is more fun.
Thank you, Rob. ❤️ One thing I’ve learned is that grief doesn’t follow a schedule and none of us gets handed a map. We all reach for different things in an attempt to make sense of loss. I hope both you and your daughter continue to find whatever brings you peace and healing. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I'm a Sagittarian. I don't need to make sense of loss. I just accept it as being inevitable, which it is. In fact 50% of people, of course, will lose their partners through divorce or separation. Of the remaining 50% another 50% will lose their partner through bereavement. Essentially you've got a pretty high chance of loss, haven't you?
One of the strange things is how little we're prepared for this. Many people just lack the psychological equipment to deal with this as a natural event. That's concerning, something about our modern society. You know most people have never seen a dead body? That's actually quite scary when you think about it because how can you cope with death unless you've come to terms with it face to face?
One of the lessons of life, I suppose, is early on, even in childhood, to have the experience of catching and killing a fish or a rabbit or a chicken and skinning or plucking it and learning how to gut it and cook it. Those skills are transferable and what's more the emotional response is also much significantly diminished. I think the more you deal with that the better you get at it.
Sometimes I think that using DSM-5 like-criteria to describe dates gone awry are likely defense mechanisms to protect our egos from being hurt and disappointed. No one wants to put their best foot forward with someone only to end up rebuffed and rejected.
There are no bad people in dating just bad fits for many reasons unspoken.
I love this perspective, Kevin. ❤️ I suspect you’re right that sometimes it’s easier to assign a diagnosis than to sit with the sting of disappointment or rejection. I’ve certainly been guilty of that myself. And I agree—most people aren’t villains. More often than not, we’re just imperfect humans looking for connection and discovering we’re not the right fit. Thank you for bringing your clinical perspective to the conversation.
A saying I like and live by ” most people a mostly good but not everyone is good for me”
Exactly!!! Wow, this sounds like something my sister in-law might say ; - )
This was brilliantly balanced—both a defense of therapy and a gentle critique of what happens when therapeutic language becomes a substitute for genuine curiosity. I especially loved the line, “The problem is that psychology was meant to explain people, not replace them.” It captures a tension that feels incredibly relevant today. The essay reminds us that wisdom isn’t found in perfectly labeling every behavior, but in holding space for human complexity. And the story about your son having “batteries” instead of boundaries was comedy gold—proof that even our children are becoming accidental armchair therapists. Thoughtful, funny, and refreshingly humane, this piece invites us to trade diagnosis for understanding and certainty for curiosity.
Thank you so much, Ahtesham. ❤️ Your observation about therapeutic language becoming a substitute for curiosity captures exactly what I was trying to wrestle with. I’m grateful that line resonated with you because I think psychology gives us valuable tools, but people are always bigger and more complicated than the labels we assign to them. And I’m delighted that my son’s concern about “batteries” made you laugh. 😊 Thank you for reading so closely and for adding such a thoughtful perspective to the conversation.
Great read, I know I am guilty of overthinking and overanalyzing people and situations. Alot of times it is more helpful to just say it is what it is
Thanks, Ed. I think many of us are guilty of trying to turn every mixed signal into a case study. Sometimes “it is what it is” turns out to be the healthiest answer. Not every disappointing date is an avoidant, and not every awkward text exchange requires a flowchart. 😂 Thanks for reading and for the thoughtful comment!
I’d like to hear about your EMDR experience. If you’ve written any articles about it, please share them with me when you can.
Thank you, Keri. EMDR was an important part of my healing journey, though I haven’t written about it yet. It’s one of those subjects I’m still sitting with and deciding how much I want to share publicly. I may write about it one day, and if I do, I’d be delighted to point you to it. ❤️
I completely understand and respect this decision of yours. I have chosen to exclude my ex-spouse and our marriage as a topic in this environment. But yes! If you ever do decide to convey that experience, I'll be here without judgement.
You are definitely a force for good and it is appreciated.
Thank you so much. I appreciate that. I'm still very much a work in progress and occasionally have to remind myself that not everyone who annoys me has a personality disorder. 😂❤️
Hahaha you’re good. We’re all works in progress and we all judge. Just continue to progress. That’s the trick. :)
Great piece. I’ve been so guilty of this myself. Finally starting to feel the shift of seeing the other persons’ humanity underneath whatever trauma, attachment style, or behavioral issue instead of warring against them.
Let’s hope I can continue to grow from here.
God help us all.
I relate to this so much. Somewhere along the way I realized it's easier to fight diagnoses than it is to sit with another person's humanity. Boundaries and discernment still matter, but curiosity has brought me much more peace. And yes… God help us all indeed. 😂❤️
As a licensed therapist this is very hard for me not to do but also very necessary! Sometimes when we know too much we don’t meet people with the curiosity they probably deserve.
Beautifully said. I think sometimes knowing the language of psychology can make us forget the art of simply being curious. People are far more interesting than the labels we assign to them. ❤️
to the text piece: I make it a point to keep my phone somewhere else and not be looking at it all the time. My work requires my attention, and texting back and for is a distraction. It's not being avoidant, or dismissive, ignoring. It's that 99% of text messages don't require and instant response. But we've become so accustomed to instant gratification and dopamine hits, that if the person texting doesn't get their hit-you're a poor supplier, not a bad person.
And agree that so many of us have become used to instant gratification and dopamine hits!
So...from this comment, I take it you are a dismissive avoidant with communication issues stemming from childhood? Just kidding! I agree with you 100%. Sometimes, we don't text back or provide an instant response because we are just busy. I know, such a crazy explanation, right? 😂 And Happy Friday!
But you jokingly hit the point. It IS also an anxious avoidant trigger that only feeds the if a person is anxious, whether the person their texting—is or not, they soon get the label so the anxious person can “self protect” and be “right”. When in fact, it’s not the case at all. But instead of looking in the mirror, and recognizing THEY may have some work to do themselves, it becomes projection.
The thing is, if you keep finding yourself with the same kind of partner over and over. It’s not them. It’s you. It’s time to self examine and do the work healing that part of yourself. Otherwise, the teacher keeps coming back until you learn the lesson.
Texting and dating sites rely on this as a business model. Trauma triggers and dopamine. You’re paying a membership to a fixed game. If they actually connected people in a healthy way, where do the paid monthly members go?
So again—until she falls from the sky 🤣
You make a great point. Sometimes labels become explanations, and explanations become shields that keep us from looking in the mirror. It’s much easier to declare someone avoidant than it is to ask why we keep choosing the same people or becoming attached to the same dynamics. And yes, I suspect the apps are quite happy to profit from our collective overthinking. 😂 Thanks for adding such a thoughtful perspective!
My sentiments exactly..we are categorising our colleagues, our family members, our friends..as becasue we have read Gabor Matte once make us experts...and I assumed we are categorised by others too...may be we just don't know...or pretend not to..