Introducing The Avoidant Misadventures of Todd and Mindy

A Choose Your Own Sanity Adventure

As many of you know, I cope with modern dating by turning men into essays instead of boyfriends.

Apparently, I have now reached the point where I am turning attachment theory into a choose-your-own-adventure series.

Thus, The Avoidant Misadventures of Todd and Mindy were born.

Todd and Mindy are fictional characters. Any resemblance to people you’ve dated, situationshipped with, trauma-bonded with, or blocked and unblocked three times is purely coincidental.

Probably.

Every Monday and Thursday, you, the reader, will determine the next chapter in Todd and Mindy’s relationship. Through the miracle of Substack polls and collective poor judgment, you’ll decide whether they make healthy choices, questionable choices, or accidentally wander into situationship territory.

Will they take things slow?

Will they create false intimacy through six-hour phone calls and Spotify playlists?

Will they discuss retirement dreams after one date?

Will they take a romantic trip to Italy?

Will one of them become avoidant?

Together, we’ll find out.

Think of this as Oregon Trail for middle-aged dating, except instead of dying from dysentery, you die from mixed signals.

Meet Todd.

Todd is 42 and works as a software developer. According to his dating profile, he is looking for a long-term relationship with someone who doesn’t like drama or chaos and has serious intentions. He describes himself as emotionally intelligent and quotes Brené Brown with the enthusiasm of a man who recently discovered vulnerability.

His profile features photos of him paddle boarding alone, hiking alone, and running alone. His previous relationships unfortunately ended because his exes were dramatic or chaotic.

His words, not mine.

Meet Mindy.

Mindy is also 42. She’s a dental hygienist, pickleball enthusiast, and single mom to one high school-aged daughter. She has a thriving circle of girlfriends and describes herself as securely attached. She’s looking for someone consistent enough to check in every day and remember her coffee order.

Her greatest strength is hope.

As we will soon discover, hope is also her greatest liability.

Fortunately, Todd and Mindy find each other on a popular dating app that proudly boasts an 80% success rate in creating long-term relationships. Armed with this reassuring statistic and a shared love of Fleetwood Mac, breakfast foods, and discussing childhood wounds with strangers, they match.

Neither has any reason to believe they won’t be part of that 80%.

Now before anyone sharpens their pitchforks, I should make something clear. Todd is not evil, and Mindy is not crazy. The purpose of this series is not to diagnose strangers on the internet or prove that men are terrible.

Human beings are simply ridiculous, particularly when they like each other.

Give two otherwise middle-aged, functional adults unlimited texting, Spotify playlists, shared trauma, and a six-hour phone call, and suddenly they’re discussing retirement dreams with someone whose last name they can barely spell.

Modern dating has convinced us that access is intimacy. We’ve confused texting with knowing someone, chemistry with compatibility, and potential with reality.

Together, we’ll watch Todd and Mindy make questionable decisions, accidentally create false intimacy, ignore obvious patterns, and occasionally unlock achievement badges such as:

• Artificial Intimacy +50

• Ignored Red Flag

• Shared Netflix Login

• Facebook Official

• Unlocked Week Three Boss Fight

Perhaps Todd is avoidant.

Perhaps Mindy is anxious.

Perhaps Mindy becomes the avoidant.

Or perhaps they’re both just weird.

We’ll find out together.

For entertainment purposes only.

Or so my therapist hopes.